Poems and Pints

THE BARONESS AND THE ILLEGAL ALIEN

2009-09-26T23:03:00.000Z

"Illegal Alien? I didn't know"
Claimed the Scottish Baroness,
"I just made a simple mistake.
"There was no way for me to guess."

"Well!" said the immigration man,
"It isn't very hard;
"You could check her passport
"Or her work permit, or identification card."

"Ah! but I thought she was a local"
The Baroness then said
"What?" said he, "With purple skin.
"Five arms and an extra head?"
Bato

OLYMPIAN ANGUS

2009-08-10T00:40:00.002Z

Angus took up bowling indoors,

'Cos he didn't like the rain outdoors.

At first he thought it a bit of fun,

But Angus had only just begun.

He found that he was rather good

At positioning the wayward wood.

He could always find the Jack,

And now young Angus can't look back.

Playing for Wales, he went to Leicester;

Found the singles quite a tester

Still he took the bronze for third,

But it wasn't the medal he preferred

He stepped up for doubles, and played it bold,

And Angus came home to Wales with GOLD!

Bato

TOMMY ATKINS

2009-08-10T00:37:00.001Z

To the tune of Bobby Shaftoe:

Tommy Atkins went to war
And soon his feet were bloody sore
All 'cos of the boots he wore
Footsore Tommy Atkins

They gave him clothes that didn't fit
And told him "buy some better kit"
They really treated him like shit
Poor old Tommy Atkins

He didn't have a bullet proof vest
Because his needs were not assessed
Tommy got shot in the chest
Heroic Tommy Atkins

The bullet wound turned real smelly
Poison spread down to his belly
Tommy's insides turned to jelly.
Poor sick Tommy Atkins

They sent Tom to good old blighty
Telling him (though quite politely)
You're no longer quite so sprightly
Go home Tommy Atkins

Tommy applied for compensation
THEY turned down his application
Saying "you'll have to prove causation
Prove it Tommy Atkins

Since his compo's been refused
Tommy feels he's been abused
Tommy has now turned to booze
Drunken Tommy Atkins

Tommy cannot get a job
People think he's just a slob
But of his good name he's been robbed
Jobless Tommy Atkins

Tommy Atkins lost his house
And Tommy Atkins lost his spouse
And now he's treated like a louse
Homeless Tommy Atkins

There's a covenant alleged
A promise and a solemn pledge
So why's he living in a hedge
They lied to Tommy Atkins
Bato

DRIFTING

2009-05-08T21:18:00.003Z

Tonight I'm drifting the astral planes,
I firmly believe, as easy as it rains,
Where will I stop, where will I go?
When I reach the right level then I shall know,
I've been travelling now for so many years,
A past life nearly always appears.
Could be above the clouds or under the sea,
Reaching out - beckoning to me.

There is a sequence that always runs,
First it's drowning then the noise of guns.
Still trying to get myself past that stage,
Must learn to contain my anger and rage.
What awaits me when I get to my bed?
Anticipation fills me with excitement and dread.

I'm certainly embarking on a journey tonight,
I know when it's coming, it's useless to fight.
To start a new level would be a fresh breath,
But it can only happen after my death.

SECURITY

2007-09-27T20:11:00.000Z

Certain things should be left in the past,
Happy memories, when you need them, will last
I can look back, at times engraved in my soul,
Looking forward is the greatest goal.

Many thoughts onto which I cling,
My childhood was such a wonderful thing.
Then I grew up, no security for me,
Sent out into the world to become what I’d be.

The one thing I will always crave,
Lost security, probably follow me to the grave.
With so many worries day to day,
Still trying to cope, doing things the right way.

The years have rolled by, my children have grown,
One day soon they will have to stand on their own.
Hope they don’t feel the same as me, cheated.
Their security will always come free.

ALLISON M

HELL AND BACK

2007-09-23T18:44:00.000Z

Why do people say,
I’ve been to Hell and back?
I didn’t see you there,
But I must stay.

Hell is a horrible place,
That’s my home, no escape.
It’s not only me,
But most of the human race.

Some of them don’t realise,
Just walk around in disguise.
They’re not fooling anyone,
Because I can judge by their eyes.

To look at somebody face to face,
I can tell whether it’s genuine hate.
Or love for that matter,
That’s my fate.

I’m on the edge of coming back,
The problem is – it’s a steep and slippery track.
No energy left to make my way,
All I can do is sit and pray.

Allison M

PRIVATE DEMON

2007-07-07T18:58:00.000Z

Come to me, I know who you are,
You can’t be far away.
Too close, haunting and wrecking my life,
Bad decisions are down to you.
Mind controlling, causing heartbreak,
Just waiting for me to cave in,
Give up the battle, no way.

Still here holding my ground,
Throw something else at me,
Keep me on my toes.
Panic and chaos, testing my nerves,
Laughing at what you’re putting me through,
Never afraid of anything but you.

My own private demon who I can’t name,
Existing together, but can never meet.
We’ve been in competition for so many years,
May it continue until you are reborn,
Then victory will be mine.

Allison M

MY TIME

2007-06-14T21:03:00.000Z

As I wrap my quilt around me,
I’m on my own, my place, my time.
Escape from life and things that hurt me,
Am I selfish? – I don’t think so.

I dread to wake in the morning,
Another day to suffer the pain.
I can hear it calling me,
Come and join another day,
I’d love to but I’m afraid of all these things.

Can you understand these worthwhile tears?
Because I care very much, people put on me.
Things I can’t share,
Confidence! they want to get it all off their chest,
It doesn’t help me to sit in my chair,

All these people going round in my mind,
Some of them friends, some of them not.
Can you help me? – I really don’t ask,
Perhaps I should but I’m afraid of the answer.

There are people that do but most of them don’t,
Just look at me, I’m the biggest fool.
To take on these tasks that are beyond me,
Not just me, I can’t be on my own.

There must be somebody out there,
Who’s hearing my soul screaming out,
“Take me with you wherever you’re going”.

I’ll take anyone on board,
As long as they’re sincere.
On a long, dark journey,
To find out who we are.

It’ll be an adventure, that I know,
When I get back tomorrow.
As I wake,
Will I get an answer? – not yet,
But it’s never too late.

Allison M

GLYNCOCH

2007-05-29T19:52:00.000Z

I moved to Glyncoch at the end of the eighties,
And it was clear to all; I’m a Johnny-come-lately.
There was never a chance of being mistook for a local;
My West Country accent marked me out as a yokel.
But these people of Glync, they opened their hearts
‘though many still think that I’m from “foreign parts”.
That’s what’s wonderful about this place where I’m living
The people are open and loving and giving.
Yes we’ve had problems. What village has not?
But these people of Glync’ll give you all that they’ve got.
If a charity calls you’ll not find them wanting
Although better off folk might find the task daunting.
Here if someone has tenpence then fivepence is yours
And maybe all ten, it depends on the cause.
At the Social Club, Rugby club or in the schools
You’ll always find people who’ll act like they’re fools
If it means cancer research gets one extra quid
Or a Charity auction needs one extra bid.
So, Yes in Glyncoch we’ve seen plenty of trouble
And outsiders suggest it be reduced to rubble.
But I’ll tell any critic, “When push comes to shove
The majority of Glyncers are just full of love.”

Bato

SNAKES AND LADDERS

2007-05-20T12:34:00.000Z

Snakes and ladders, not just a game,
It’s a way of life trying to survive.
Everytime I find a ladder,
The snake coils around my legs,
To make sure I stay at the bottom,

Sometimes I get halfway up,
But the snake at the top,
Ensures I move back down.
Throw the dice, have another go.

This time I land on a snake,
So further down I plunge.
To the point where there are no ladders just snakes,
The big pit of life, full of them,
Most of them poisonous, some of them not.

But how can I tell?
If the venom doesn’t get me.
I’m likely to get the Qi crushed out of my being,
Suffocating to death through lack of ladders.

A scarf made of snakeskin,
That you cannot take off.
All of a sudden, snakes and ladders,
Is not just an innocent board game.

Compare it to life, so ruthless and cruel;
Next time I feel like playing,
I'll roll the dice,
And maybe play a better game.

Allison M

TRUST

2007-05-19T17:05:00.000Z

When the trust has gone,
It doesn’t take long,
For the rot to set in,
It’s my sin.

Where do I begin,
To tell you,
I never totally loved you,
But I do care very much.

It wouldn’t really matter,
How much I explained,
You never listen,
To what causes pain.

You’re the injured party,
So you say,
My life is not my own,
But still I must pay.

For things I’ve done in the past,
Trusting a man with my feelings,
That’s the last,
Never again will I come clean.

Abuse and threats, well that’s plain mean,
We only get one go at life,
That’s what we’re told,
But my escape is my soul, it's already sold.

Allison M

DEMONS AND MONSTERS

2007-05-10T18:34:00.000Z

It’s been another stormy night,
Nothing to do with the weather, just another fight.
To wrestle with feelings and constant pain,
Oh! no, it’s starting to rain.
Pull the shutters down, total blackness,
My eyes adjusting to see unreal madness.

Demons and monsters that have come to play,
Why won’t they all go away?
Staring eyes spilling tears of blood,
I’m stuck here in the filthy mud.
My legs won’t work as I try to run,
Can’t even shoot them with a gun.

They creep and slither all over the floor,
They’ve got back-up, I’m expecting more.
I’ll cling onto hope for as long as I can,
Time’s running out and I’ve no other plan.
But I’m a strong person inside I know,
I’m just not ready for that final blow.

Allison M

WAY OUTSIDE

2007-05-06T12:12:00.000Z

Net curtains fluttering in the breeze,
Wind whistling through the trees,
Outside,
Way outside.

Radio playing all the old songs,
That’s where my heart belongs,
Outside,
Way outside.

In the past, nothing ever lasts,
My today will be tomorrow’s past,
Freedom, no way, my life is cast,
Outside,
Way outside.

Out of reach, I have no goal,
Ambitions long gone, life’s taken it’s toll,
Outside,
Way outside.

Where the air is cool and dark and lonely,
There will be me and my soul only,
Outside,
Way outside.

That’s okay, I like it that way,
For terrible things now I must pay,
Outside,
Way way outside.

Allison M

DEPRESSION

2007-05-05T16:56:00.000Z

Depression is a very strange thing,
The bottom line is you just can’t win.
You wake in the morning feeling rough,
Can’t take anymore, well that’s just tough.

You try to fight it all on your own,
Go to the Doctor, to me that’s unknown.
I haven’t the time to sit all day,
Waiting for a Doctor, what could I say?

How can you explain something’s not right,
Fears and strange dreams all through the night.
They’ve no time to listen, just give you pills,
Can’t seem to cope with no physical ills.

So here I sit moody and frowning,
With the dread that I’m drowning.
I try to eat but feel like choking,
Bloody Hell!, I wish I was joking.

Allison M

FEARS

2007-05-05T16:36:00.000Z

How does my head work? - I don’t know,
Why the fears? - ones I can’t show
Things I’m scared of but nobody sees,
Perhaps they can, still can’t help me.

Afraid of nothing, that’s how I live,
Except at times I get what I give.
It’s certainly not deserved just yet,
Why the constant fear? - it seems so set.

Nothing changes, but does all the time,
My life full of retribution and crime.
Love they say will conquer all,
Can it be the solution? – it’s not my call.

Living on hope is so unstable,
Fairy tale life, yet another fable.
Without my music to guide me through,
I’d be with Angels standing in a queue.

What is an ordinary day?
Please let me know, I intend to stay.
Not to be burdened with difficult tasks.
Nobody gets anywhere if nobody asks.

Somebody tell me, whisper into my ear,
Then I can stop ciggies and drinking beer.
I know the answer is out there somewhere,
To stop the fears I need someone who cares.

Allison M

SAFELY TO SCHOOL

2007-05-02T17:54:00.001Z

Our local council, a lovely bunch of blokes

Decided to have a game, to play a little joke.

They cancelled all the buses across to Coedylan

And nominated a safe route, a cunning little plan.

This has helped the police out in a strangely effective way

'Cos now they know exactly where the pervs will go to play.

And there no longer is a problem with teens who're overweight

The bullies take their lunch before they’re near the school gate.

And they tell us teenagers just don't do exercise

At Coedylan Comprehensive that's just a pack of lies.

To avoid bullies and perverts, the kids are all running

And what is surprising, (it's practically stunning)

Is the council has now provided a pool

And the children are able to swim into school.

Bato

The Buffalo

2007-04-11T16:10:00.000Z

COME all you young fellows that have a mind to range
Into some foreign country your station for to change
Into some foreign country away from here to go
We lay down on the banks of the pleasant Ohio.
We wander thro' the wild woods and chase the Buffalo.

There is fishes in the river that's fitting for our use
And fine lofty sugar canes that yield us fine juice
And all sorts of game my boys besides the buck and doe,
We lay down on the banks of the pleasant Ohio.
Thro' the wild woods we'll wander and chase the Buffalo.

Come all you young maidens spin us some yarn
To make us some clothing to keep ourselves warm
For you can card and spin my girls and we can reap and mow
We lay down on the banks, &c.

Supposing these wild Indians should chance to come near
We will unite together our hearts free from care,
We will march down into the town my boys, and give the fatal blow,
We will lay down, &c.

TRADITIONAL

ODE TO THE SUECREW

2007-04-11T15:51:00.000Z

When all of us have had our fun
And the next day's rest has just begun
Into the club, march Sue and her mob.
They scrub and they polish, for that is their job.

But they also pick up the food that's been tipped
And they deal with the furnishings that have been ripped.
They clean up the shit and they clean up the spew
I wouldn't do it! Tell me truly- Would You?
And do Sue and her gang earn mighty wages?
Of course they do! they have done for ages!
But, what these girls earn, and the pay they receive
Are just not related. I don't wish to deceive.
So all of us members should be grateful to Sue
And show some respect for her and her crew.
If you spill someone's pint, you buy them a beer.
Never one for the cleaner, isn't that queer?
She's the person who will clear up your mess
Yet none of us think we should offer redress.
So the least we can do, if we're to call ourselves men
Is to show them some gratitude, now and again.

BATO

Peggy The Three Legged Pig

2007-04-06T20:03:00.001Z

I visited granddad down on his farm,
And at once I noticed with some alarm,
That one of his pigs, an old sow called Peg
Appeared to be missing one of her legs.
I said to my granddad, "Bampy" says I
"See that old sow- over there by the sty,
She's got just three legs when it ought to be four."
Well Granddad was angry, He let out a roar.
"If you don't like that pig then you are a fool-
"Last week your cousin fell in the pool.
"Well up jumped old Peg and in she did dive
"And thanks to that pig, young Fred's still alive."
I said "No doubt she's great, and medals will adorn her
"But Bamps, she should have a leg at each corner."
Said granddad "Young Paul. Don't call me a liar!
"If it wasn't for Peg, your gran would have died in a fire.
"Peg smelt the smoke and dragged gran from her bed.
"If it wasn't for Peggy your gran would be dead."
I said "Granddad, Please, Why won't you listen?
"That heroic pig has got a leg missing."
Granddad moaned "I'm ashamed, you're letting me down.
"Really young Paul, you've lived too long in town.
"My dear Grandson, you've nowt but a dunce.
"You don't eat a good pig like that all at once."

THE MEMBERSHIP

2007-02-15T12:31:00.000Z

Ten Social Members came to the club all the time;
One argued with the committee, then there were nine.

Nine Social Members stayed up drinking late;
One overslept on Saturday, then there were eight.

Eight Social Members, on their way up Cefn;
One took the Farm Lane, then there were seven.

Seven Social Members, chirping like chicks;
One hated Karaoke, then there were six.

Six Social Members seemed very much alive;
One took a vacation, then there were five.

Five Social Members hurrying for the door;
One stopped to take a rest, then there were four.

Four Social Members, each as busy as a bee;
One had his feelings hurt, then there were three.

Three Social Members, deciding what to do;
One couldn't have his way, then there were two.

Two Social Members each signed up one more;
Now don't you see, that two plus two is four?

Four Social Members, drinking early and late;
Each brought another, now there were eight.

Eight Social Members if they double as before;
In just seven days, we have a thousand twenty four.

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true;
You belong either to the building, or to the wrecking crew.

MAN

2007-02-14T16:52:00.000Z

Man is so stupid in the World that he lives;
All that he does is take and not give,
When will he learn that the things he destroys
Are all living creatures, not playthings or toys.

Like two growling dogs, the Russians and Yanks,
All ready to fight with their planes and their tanks.
They say it's politics or maybe just power,
While the poorer countries just grovel and cower.

When God built this world it took him six days.
Man can destroy it in four minutes they say.
When will it happen? They say '84,
And nothing on Earth will exist anymore.

CHARLES JAMES